Tuesday, December 19, 2006

(A cautionary poem for our times)
* Ten Public Servants standing in a line; One of them was downsized then there were nine.

 * Nine Public Servants who must negotiate; One joined the union then there were eight.

 * Eight Public Servants thought they were in heaven; 'til one of them was redeployed then there were seven.

 * Seven Public Servants, their jobs as safe as bricks; But one was reclassified then there were six.

 * Six Public Servants trying to survive; One of them was privatised, then there were five.

 * Five Public Servants ready to give more; But one Golden Handshake reduced them to four.

 * Four Public Servants full of loyalty; Their jobs were all advertised then there were three.

 * Three Public Servants under review; One left on secondment then there were two.

 * Two Public Servants coping on the run; One went on stress leave then there was one.

 * The last Public Servant agreed to relocate; Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

.        .       .        .        .        .

" I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -Ronald Reagan "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Monday, December 04, 2006

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.  Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents.  In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him.

In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process.  The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.  After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud'of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of milesaway, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away.  The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed.  Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi.  Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside.  He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror.  The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yetisaid, "Tag! You're it!"

.       .        .        .        .        .

" In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Friday, December 01, 2006

3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten.

The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.

The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.

The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!

.       .        .        .        .        .

" Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it If it keeps moving, regulate it.And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

.       .        .        .        .        .

" If you can't convince them, confuse them. -Harry S. Truman "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.

"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."

"Not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."

.       .        .        .        .        .

" You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -Ziggy "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Monday, October 30, 2006

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 24.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream  channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.  My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


.       .        .        .        .        .

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're  not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both  cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the  elevator.

The elevator went back up to Heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven". 

"You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied,  "Well, Heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in Hell.   I choose Hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

.       .        .        .        .        .

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

A first grade class comes in from recess.

Ms. Goldstein the teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Good.  If you write 'box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant inter-racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant inter-racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

.       .        .        .        .        .

All generalizations are false.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.  It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?", he asked the pastor. 

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Alex had tears running down his face.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,   Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00 ?

.       .        .        .        .        .

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

.       .        .        .        .        .

" When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade  another country. -Elayne Boosler "


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error and subsequentc errors would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the "R " !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot sobbed, "The word was CELEBRATE ."

.       .        .        .        .        .

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Monday, October 02, 2006

                                           Mind game for dogs......

Mind Games To Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.
(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans.
Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.
(Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.
(Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

.       .        .        .        .        .

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

.       .        .        .        .        .

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney.

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of  Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse  and open it."

.       .        .        .        .        .

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.


Stephen's Snaps

This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


You gotta pass this one on!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I have a blue heeler cross & I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Food at Woollies and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked, "Do you have a dog ?"

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kilograms before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.  I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
"Seen my new secretary?" asked Cletus.

Yeah," his buddy Earl-Bob replied," she's gorgeous."

Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."

Sounds perfect."

I got hurt once, though."


Well," Cletus grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener.."

.       .        .        .        .        .

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?


Stephen's Snaps

This week more Jacaranda photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's hot pussy lips and enters.

Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt and  pants on, pull up his shorts, and carries her to the car.

Then they make a mad dash to the nearest doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to be removed with a forceps.

The doctor then explains that the husband will have to try and entice it out, by putting honey on his dick, and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

So the husband puts honey on his dick, but because of his wife's screaming, general panic, and his frantic dash to the doctors he just can't get it up!

So the doctor says "I'll perform the procedure if your wife and you don't object."

Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage.

So the doctor quickly undresses, smears honey on his dick and instantly gets an erection.

Slowly he begins to enter the wife, then withdrawal, and then again, and again, and again. Only, he doesn't stop but continues to pound her hot pussy endlessly.

In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?"

The doctor replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

.       .        .        .        .        .

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?


Stephen's Snaps

This week more Jacaranda photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Monday, September 25, 2006

A British company is developing small computer chips that can store music
in women's breasts.

This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

.       .        .        .        .        .

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and
good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and
good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

.       .        .        .        .        .

" If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers "


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.
Dan and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mum and Dad's for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Dan and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are Dan and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Dan and Mary up yet?"

His Mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Dan came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my aeroplane glue."

.       .        .        .        .        .

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -W.C. Fields "


Stephen's Snaps

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Updated regularly.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,

"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm

sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some

straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I

can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."  Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually as*aulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the day off, with pay.

.       .        .        .        .        .

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.
Letter of complaint to Rexona
  I wish to complain - the instructions on your deodorant were very  misleading.

  I followed your instructions on a stick of deodorant to the letter:

  'Take Off Top, Push Up Bottom', and was left semi-naked in some not inconsiderable pain. And it didn't help my perspiring.

  Now I understand my error, but it's time that the writers of these instructions take responsibility for the resulting actions. The slogan on the front  - 'Sure Wont Let You Down', was correct, I was unable to sit down all morning.

.       .        .        .        .        .

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Monday, September 18, 2006

  Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
  Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

  The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
  As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
  In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna fuckin' die."

.       .        .        .        .        .

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction  site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, " I no hava no broom You saida to the

Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . "SUPPLIES!!!!

.       .        .        .        .        .

Life is sexually transmitted.


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I  had a bunch of Australian dollars I needed to exchange so I  went to the currency exchange window at my bank.

I chose the  shortest line, just one guy in front of  me.

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says,  "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys  too!"

Saturday, September 16, 2006

                             How to Save Delta from Bankruptcy

Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

.       .        .        .        .        .

Being told something isn't good for us seldom does us any good.


Stephen's Snaps

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

The first said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in the Olympic decathlon.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *ss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."



Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily Iraq briefing.

He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair ... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to mast_rbate"

"But ..." stammers the driver

"Du it now ... or I'll bluddy kill yer"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to mast_rbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"

"But ..." says the driver.


So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right, laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".
 The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.  When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a  biopsy  from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which  one  is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the  other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your  husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Sunday, September 10, 2006

While she was "flying" down the road 10 miles over the limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch until it's about 6 feet wide."

"Yeah, right. And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honourably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman  was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters  returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Friday, September 08, 2006

Three men die and go to heaven the same day. They get to the gates of heaven and are greeted by an angel.

The angel says to them, "Congratulations you have been accepted into Heaven. Each of you will be given a vehicle to drive around in heaven, based on how loyal you were to your spouses."

The angel says to the 1st man, "How loyal were you to your wife ?"

The 1st man responds, "I never cheated on her ever."

The angel says, "Our records show this to be true."

The first man is given a Mercedes Benz (fully loaded.)

The angel asks the same question to the 2nd man, the 2nd man responds, "I've only cheated on her two times and came clean on the matters to my wife."

The angel checks his records and finds this to be true and gives the 2nd man a Honda Accord (not fully loaded, no spare tire, no tape player, no A/C, and vinyl interior.)

The angel asks the same of the 3rd man question too. The 3rd man responds, " I have cheated on my wife only one time, "I kissed another woman, that was all."

The angel verifies his records and gives him a beat-up Volkswagen Bug (no A/C, no heat, no windows, no spare tire, no radio, and no back seat, and the back bumper is missing.)

Two months pass by and by sheer coincidence all three men run into each other while waiting at a red traffic signal. The 1st man driving the Mercedes Benz is burst into tears and looks like a mess from crying.

The 2nd and 3rd man are wondering what could possibly be wrong. They are thinking; (He's got the nice fully loaded car, he's in heaven, what could possibly be wrong ?)

Curiosity is burning them up inside, so the 2nd man rolls down his windows and both (2nd and 3rd man) ask the 1st man, "What is bothering you so much ?"

 The 1st man replies, "I just passed my wife... She was on a skateboard !!"


Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.  As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said,  "Good morning, Ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

After they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."   This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters, who had been teaching at the convent for several years.    She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica. May God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

Again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of  the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.   Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face while waiting for Sister Mary to come close enough to hear her.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."


Mother Superior was floored!   "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.   "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.


An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde guy's wife said, "Don't look at me .... He made his own lunch ."


I had amnesia once - maybe twice.



Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A Penguin was driving through Texas one day when he started having car trouble. Luckily he was just going through a small town, so he stopped at the local service station to have the problem checked out by a professional.

When his turn came to be serviced he asked the mechanic how long it was going to take. The mechanic replied that it would take an hour or more. The penguin then asked if there was a Quik Stop or 7-11 around. Sure, right down the street replied the mechanic.

So the penguin waddled down to the store to hang out in the frozen food section, eat vanilla ice cream and frozen fish sticks, and scope the babe-age.

After an hour or so of this the penguin waddled back up to the service station, just in time to see his car coming down off the rack and the mechanic walking back to the restroom.

Sir, inquired the penguin, did you find the trouble with my car?

Son, replied the mechanic, with a deep Texas drawl, it looks like you blew a seal.

No, said the Penguin, embarrassedly wiping his face, that's just vanilla ice cream.



Tuesday, September 05, 2006

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems...

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says,"there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last Note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly.

"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman..... "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."


A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."


A businessman went to Star City Casino for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but twenty cents and the return part of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home ...

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Star City and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old mate who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line...

"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks"

The businessman said "OK" and off they went... then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.



Monday, September 04, 2006

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism.

His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Now what?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


Sunday, September 03, 2006

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activity's for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my a*s is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.

And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:  "Tom!! For cryin' out loud! Wake up! You're sh*ttin' all over the bed!"