Fw: How Marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies ...

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!   Got it,
A**hole?'

So he stayed home............

........and, they lived happily ever after.

 

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Fwd: Crocs

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of lake burleigh griffith

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how

you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size

as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by the Houses of Parliament .'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their utes and wait for one to unlock

the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of

them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not

getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit

out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Fw: Full Disclosure...it's the LAW!

 
The law says you must give full disclosure of any problems with a house when you sell it.
 

Fw: Blonde

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize.
..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You're listening to your I-pod

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Fw: Australian Letter of the Year

Australian Letter of the Year

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's  licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed  off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand   and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you fucking morons

 

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!

In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.

I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.' 

You are all Fucking idiots

 

.

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

This week  Chaweng Beach.

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Fwd: NEW OFFICE POLICY

 

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE

















 


EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

  Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

 

 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

  Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
 

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

This week  Chaweng Beach.

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

FW: AT LAST!!!!!! - The Truth!!!!!!!

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja
http://www.ebearweb.net/bujinkan/

Stephen's Snaps

This week Chaweng Beach.

http://photo.ebearweb.net/

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.