Humour

Words for 2007

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and …
then leaves.

ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

GOING FOR A Mc****
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
Mc**** with Lies.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

OH - NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made
a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEYBATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa!
Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

bed instead.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At
3:00am.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got

4 buttocks.

. . . . . . . . .

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Updated regularly.

Humour

Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."


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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Humour

A blind man is talking to his friend.

"I recently went skydiving," he told him proudly.

"How did *you* manage to go skydiving?"

"I just jumped out and went WHEEE!"

"Well, how did you know when to pull the parachute cord?"

"When the leash went limp ..."

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Stephen's Snaps
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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Humour

  Top 10 MOST BRILLIANT MARKETING BLUNDERS:

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people there wanted a "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since so many people there can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't
leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."


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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Humour

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his

wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed

heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and

made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and

bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and

began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,

but mostly..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



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Distribution of this document is permitted. Well it might as well be , because your going to do it any way.
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Stephen's Snaps
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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Two Italian men are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off
and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds
run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo,
this is too good an opportunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks
out his wang and does the business. When he's finally finished he looks
round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a
go?"
"Bloody right I do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks
his head through the fence.






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Distribution of this document is permitted. Well it might as well be , because your going to do it any way.
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Stephen's Snaps
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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck
with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that shit?"






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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

£7m cost of telling staff how to keep desks tidy
By Paul Stokes
Last Updated: 3:03am GMT 05/01/2007

Civil servants are being trained how to keep their desks tidy as part
of a
£7 million Government project described by one union as "madness".

Staff at one HM Revenue and Customs complex have had strips of black
tape
fixed to their desks to mark where items should be placed.

The pilot study at the offices at Longbenton, Newcastle upon Tyne, is
designed to improve efficiency by clearing clutter and keep computer
keyboards, telephones and stationery in their optimum positions.

It is included in a programme entitled Lean, introduced by consultants
Unipart to improve the performance of public sector workers more used to
dealing with red tape.

HMRC would not disclose how much Unipart was being paid for its service
but
the Public and Commercial Services Union (PCS) yesterday claimed that
the
dictum to desk-users was part of a £7.4 million national project.

One Longbenton worker said: "Telling people where they should place
their
telephone is demeaning and demoralising.

"It's absurd that all this public money is being spent on this when
staff
are quite capable of deciding for themselves how their desks should be
organised."

The union has had reports of staff in one office being asked if a
banana was
"active or inactive", meaning it had to be cleared from a desk unless
it was
going to be eaten immediately.

Kevin McHugh, the PCS branch secretary, said some staff at Longbenton
share
the same desk, and have to rearrange their workspace, regardless of the
tape.

He said. "This office has been open for 60 years and people have
managed to
find their pens and staplers without consultants helping them in that
time.

"They are trying to turn people into robots but the whole thing falls
down
because in certain areas we have hot-desking where different shifts
come in
and use the same desks.

"If the person coming in after you has slightly shorter arms, then the
markers will be in the wrong place.

"Marking the desk tends to get members upset sometimes when they've got
personal photographs on their desks and they have to move them around."

A HMRC spokesman explained it was "only right" that staff sharing desk
space
be given advice and support on how to make the most efficient use of the
space.

She said: "It will also help to make sure everyone has what they need
to do
their job effectively and in turn support working relationships. Staff
can
still move the things on their desk to positions that suit them best.

"Lean is all about how we can work more efficiently to deliver an even
better service to our customers."






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Stephen's Snaps
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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.