A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.

"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."

"Not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."


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" You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -Ziggy "

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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 24.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream  channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.  My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS



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If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're  not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both  cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the  elevator.

The elevator went back up to Heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven". 

"You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied,  "Well, Heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in Hell.   I choose Hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."



.       .        .        .        .        .

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

A first grade class comes in from recess.

Ms. Goldstein the teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Good.  If you write 'box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant inter-racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant inter-racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."



.       .        .        .        .        .

All generalizations are false.

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THE PLAQUE . . .
 
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.  It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
 
The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?", he asked the pastor. 

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
 
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Alex had tears running down his face.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,   Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00 ?


.       .        .        .        .        .

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
 
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
 
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
 
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
 
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
 
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"



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" When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade  another country. -Elayne Boosler "

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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error and subsequentc errors would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the "R " !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot sobbed, "The word was CELEBRATE ."



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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

                                           Mind game for dogs......

Mind Games To Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.
(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans.
Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.
(Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.
(Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)




.       .        .        .        .        .

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.