Humour

Words for 2007

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and …
then leaves.

ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

GOING FOR A Mc****
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
Mc**** with Lies.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

OH - NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made
a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEYBATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa!
Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

bed instead.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At
3:00am.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got

4 buttocks.

. . . . . . . . .

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Humour

Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."


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Humour

A blind man is talking to his friend.

"I recently went skydiving," he told him proudly.

"How did *you* manage to go skydiving?"

"I just jumped out and went WHEEE!"

"Well, how did you know when to pull the parachute cord?"

"When the leash went limp ..."

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Humour

  Top 10 MOST BRILLIANT MARKETING BLUNDERS:

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people there wanted a "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since so many people there can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't
leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."


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Humour

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his

wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed

heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and

made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and

bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and

began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,

but mostly..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



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Two Italian men are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off
and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds
run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo,
this is too good an opportunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks
out his wang and does the business. When he's finally finished he looks
round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a
go?"
"Bloody right I do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks
his head through the fence.






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Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Updated regularly.

Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck
with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that shit?"






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£7m cost of telling staff how to keep desks tidy
By Paul Stokes
Last Updated: 3:03am GMT 05/01/2007

Civil servants are being trained how to keep their desks tidy as part
of a
£7 million Government project described by one union as "madness".

Staff at one HM Revenue and Customs complex have had strips of black
tape
fixed to their desks to mark where items should be placed.

The pilot study at the offices at Longbenton, Newcastle upon Tyne, is
designed to improve efficiency by clearing clutter and keep computer
keyboards, telephones and stationery in their optimum positions.

It is included in a programme entitled Lean, introduced by consultants
Unipart to improve the performance of public sector workers more used to
dealing with red tape.

HMRC would not disclose how much Unipart was being paid for its service
but
the Public and Commercial Services Union (PCS) yesterday claimed that
the
dictum to desk-users was part of a £7.4 million national project.

One Longbenton worker said: "Telling people where they should place
their
telephone is demeaning and demoralising.

"It's absurd that all this public money is being spent on this when
staff
are quite capable of deciding for themselves how their desks should be
organised."

The union has had reports of staff in one office being asked if a
banana was
"active or inactive", meaning it had to be cleared from a desk unless
it was
going to be eaten immediately.

Kevin McHugh, the PCS branch secretary, said some staff at Longbenton
share
the same desk, and have to rearrange their workspace, regardless of the
tape.

He said. "This office has been open for 60 years and people have
managed to
find their pens and staplers without consultants helping them in that
time.

"They are trying to turn people into robots but the whole thing falls
down
because in certain areas we have hot-desking where different shifts
come in
and use the same desks.

"If the person coming in after you has slightly shorter arms, then the
markers will be in the wrong place.

"Marking the desk tends to get members upset sometimes when they've got
personal photographs on their desks and they have to move them around."

A HMRC spokesman explained it was "only right" that staff sharing desk
space
be given advice and support on how to make the most efficient use of the
space.

She said: "It will also help to make sure everyone has what they need
to do
their job effectively and in turn support working relationships. Staff
can
still move the things on their desk to positions that suit them best.

"Lean is all about how we can work more efficiently to deliver an even
better service to our customers."






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Updated regularly.

Humour printer repair

When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was one of the old
dot-matrix printers), the office manager called a local repair shop where a
friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asked, "Does your
boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."






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Updated regularly.

Humour:

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of
sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

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Updated regularly.

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.

.       .        .        .        .        .

" If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber "


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                     US HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.




.       .        .        .        .        .

" If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber "


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                                A Marital Year of Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the  notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


.       .        .        .        .        .

" If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber "


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Stephen's Snaps
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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

For all you travelers confused over security levels:

EU Security Threat Levels ­ an update

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

. . . . . .

" If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber "

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Stephen's Snaps
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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

* Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

* Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

* Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

* The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

* It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

* It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

* The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

* Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

* It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

* It is especially sand and waterproofed for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.


. . . . . .

" We've got a nation of people who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer — which is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes. -Paul Smith "

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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearly table.

The wife asks, "do you know her?"

"Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since".

"My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

. . . . . .

" We've got a nation of people who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer — which is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes. -Paul Smith "

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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Core Promises ...

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

. . . . . .

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo.

Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker
breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out." So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out.

"OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

.       .        .        .        .        .

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner "

http://www.ebearweb.net


Stephen's Snaps
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This week Truk photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.