Friday, August 22, 2008

Fw: Australian Letter of the Year

Australian Letter of the Year

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's  licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed  off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...


I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand   and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! fucking morons
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.' 

You are all Fucking idiots


Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja

Stephen's Snaps

This week  Chaweng Beach.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.















Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

  Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


  Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja

Stephen's Snaps

This week  Chaweng Beach.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Friday, August 15, 2008

FW: AT LAST!!!!!! - The Truth!!!!!!!

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja

Stephen's Snaps

This week Chaweng Beach.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Fun4U: Presbyophrenia

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Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's
hungry for some ice cream.

"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of
ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"

"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going
out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.

"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and
I'll show you I can remember that, too."

"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna'

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes,
accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he
emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.

"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.

"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

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Sunday, August 03, 2008

Fwd: True!!

From an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year a definition was required for the contemporary term,

'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority,and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

Bujinkan: Martial Arts of the Samurai and Ninja

Stephen's Snaps

This week Chaweng Beach.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.