10 Characteristics of the Company Car

* Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

* Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

* Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

* The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

* It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

* It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

* The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

* Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

* It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

* It is especially sand and waterproofed for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.


. . . . . .

" We've got a nation of people who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer — which is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes. -Paul Smith "

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearly table.

The wife asks, "do you know her?"

"Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since".

"My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

. . . . . .

" We've got a nation of people who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer — which is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes. -Paul Smith "

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Core Promises ...

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

. . . . . .

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

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A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo.

Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker
breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out." So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out.

"OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

.       .        .        .        .        .

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner "

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TEN PUBLIC SERVANTS
 
(A cautionary poem for our times)
 
* Ten Public Servants standing in a line; One of them was downsized then there were nine.

 * Nine Public Servants who must negotiate; One joined the union then there were eight.

 * Eight Public Servants thought they were in heaven; 'til one of them was redeployed then there were seven.

 * Seven Public Servants, their jobs as safe as bricks; But one was reclassified then there were six.

 * Six Public Servants trying to survive; One of them was privatised, then there were five.

 * Five Public Servants ready to give more; But one Golden Handshake reduced them to four.

 * Four Public Servants full of loyalty; Their jobs were all advertised then there were three.

 * Three Public Servants under review; One left on secondment then there were two.

 * Two Public Servants coping on the run; One went on stress leave then there was one.

 * The last Public Servant agreed to relocate; Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.


.        .       .        .        .        .

" I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -Ronald Reagan "

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An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.  Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents.  In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him.

In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process.  The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.  After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud'of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of milesaway, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away.  The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed.  Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi.  Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside.  He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror.  The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yetisaid, "Tag! You're it!"



.       .        .        .        .        .

" In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire "


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3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten.

The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.

The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.

The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!



.       .        .        .        .        .

" Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it If it keeps moving, regulate it.And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan "


http://www.ebearweb.net


Stephen's Snaps
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This week Gerbra & Rose photos.

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches Sydney.